You just have to be there

It’s odd, how our view of things change during transition. Not just the emotions, or the physical changes… but the social interactions especially with men, now that’s something to behold.

Growing up in a man’s skin, trying to walk, talk and act like a man under the influence of Testosterone, I never really had any idea how hard it was to be a woman. You hear all these feminists (oh, sorry, “equalitarians”) talk about how they’re treated badly, how they struggle in this society run by men. You see these crushing stories of woman being raped and then blamed for the way they dressed, you see some random girl throwing the finger at some stupid douche that whistled at her… but unless you’ve been in their place, it’s really hard to really understand that.

And I still have trouble really comprehending the extent of the “problem” that women have to deal with. I’m not pretty enough (yet! 😉 ) to receive the attention of random men on the street. I haven’t seen any difference in the way I’m treated by the men around me – probably because I stay mostly cloistered at home, but still, I go out in restaurants and stores and it’s escaped my attention…

Well, almost. There is one area where I’ve realized there’s been a major change, where there’s a complete shift in behaviour that still strikes me as unbelievable. I’ve always had a bit of an issue with dating women before, and I’ve talked about it a little in previous posts. I still have that issue, mind you – if you ignore last week’s drama-prone story, I’m still actually out there kinda looking, and it’s not looking good. But only with women.

At the beginning of my whole story with Z, there was a little even that just… happened. I was feeling down (the emotional roller coaster was in a low peak) and this guy I met at the Trans Pride a few months before tells me that from my posts it’s obvious that I need to talk to someone, and he has shit to talk about too, so let’s meet for dinner and a few beers… I really, honestly thought nothing of it, and he tells me it was the same for him. But in the end, after half a dozen beer each and a whole lot of talking, I ended up taking a taxi back to his place and… well, having sex with him, there’s no other way to put it. This guy, he has a way of making women feel like they’re the center of the universe, like there’s no one else he’d rather be with. It was a really enjoyable evening, which actually led to its own drama with him, me and Z, but that’s another story altogether.

It felt very different, being courted by a guy, being kissed suddenly in the middle of a conversation, spending a night with him in bed. The difference was in how… easy it had all seemed. Not to say I didn’t have an internal dilemma about it, that I didn’t hesitate… but it seemed like nothing to him, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Ok so enough about this first guy. Fast forward a couple of weeks. I’m hanging out with a female friend and another friend of her’s – an ex-boyfriend, actually. We’re chatting, eating, doing a bit of platonic cuddling. As it turns out, I spent an hour that evening talking about my night with the guy above, and the week following that event. Yes, an hour to resume just a week of drama in my life. Now the ex boyfriend is a little sad (especially after my story) because he just broke up with someone, he’s depressed.. thus the aforementioned cuddling. I feel that there’s a way that he’s looking at me, and the way he’s enjoying the cuddles maybe a little too much.

Well, I decided to test myself, to test the changes in my life and how people reacted to me, so I asked him a question. I was very forward about the fact that it was just a curiosity, that I wanted an honest answer just because I wanted to know – nothing else. So I told him, if I asked you to come back with me to my place tonight… would you?, not really expecting a specific answer… Well, he answered Yes.

It wasn’t as much of a shock as I expected. After all, I had seen hints of what to expect that evening. But still it felt strange that I could get this guy in my bed if I really wanted, no questions asked, no further challenge. I didn’t, mind you, because it truly was just out of curiosity. But it served to prove my point to myself.

This point is that when you’re a woman, however you look, there’s always going to be men around you who will be interested in you. You don’t have to work for it, you don’t have to fight for it… you just have to, like, be there. It may seem like an oversimplification, and there are cases where I’m wrong of course… but I’m pretty sure this is right in most situations.

So what did I learn? The lesson here is that there’s one thing that I’ve never had to do as a guy, that all of a sudden I have to learn to do at an increasing rate: Say No. I’ve never said no to a relationship with a woman before. Maybe it’s a sign of how much of a loser I really was – after all, all 12 of the partners I had in my pre-transition life expressed interest in me, I never rejected anyone knowingly – but it’s also a clear indication of how things have changed forever. Other women around me, they’ve had years of experience rejecting guys. I had to learn the hard way that hoping in a taxi with a guy I met once in my life at a random event, may not have been the best move I ever made. I was lucky that time – but the lesson was well learned.

Ladies, what’s your feeling on this? Especially if you’re born female, I’d like to hear your input, but I’d also like to hear from men and other trans people what they think of all of this. Perspective is everything!

Emotions running wild…

I realized, reading previous posts in my own blog, that there’s been a slight shift in the way I write. Not a big thing, and maybe not as much as I would have hoped for at first… but I’ve started to put a little more emotions into my posts. Not necessarily naming these emotions, but at least showing that they do occur. But in reality, emotions have taken a central place in my life since I started taking hormones, and it hasn’t been easy sailing.

From the outset, I knew that taking hormones would have effects on my emotions and moods, and to an extent, I was certainly expecting it – in fact, I wanted it. Before hormones, I found it almost impossible to cry for myself. Oh sure I’d shed a few tears during movies and TV shows, but these tears were always for a detached, fictional character. Even while I was breaking up with Vicey, I simply could not cry, could not go past the mental block that was created by a combination of my traumatic past and the power of testosterone. I’d get a ball in my throat, and it would just… stay there.

Some will say that women are the opposite – they cry for stupid reasons sometimes, will burst into tears because they can’t open a can of pickles or because their favourite shoes have scuff marks. I’m happy to say that this wasn’t the case for me… Still, I did my share of crying, had my fair share of drama that was too much to handle, too much to keep inside.

Most of this drama in my life was the result of what I mentioned a couple of posts ago – cuddling with this sexy-looking pre-op trans and discovering myself through her, and thanks to her. But it just wasn’t as smooth sailing as I would have hoped for. First of all, what I really didn’t want to admit to myself at first but quickly became a reality I couldn’t ignore: she had a girlfriend. So yes, I was a mistress, I was helping her cheat – I was an evil person. That was the main source of the drama that tore at me almost every day. It wasn’t the fact of being a mistress though – it was the fact that I wasn’t #1.

Let me explain this a little bit more. When you grow up being last, when you get teased at school by everyone (including, in some places, by other “rejects”), you start developing a certain inferiority complex, a fear of rejection, a painful feeling of inadequacy. And even though I’ve had plenty of years to try to get over it, even though it was only my first girlfriend who cheated on me and reinforced those feelings, they still, to this day, continue to haunt me. One day I was happy in the arms of this woman (I’ll call her Z), the next I felt utterly rejected and tossed aside because she would be heading out to spend a day with her girlfriend.

It’s not that I resented her girlfriend, not that I hated her for being there. She was, in fact, a good person. But she represented the very image of me being second place, being unimportant some of the time, being inadequate. Of course, it’s part of the story of every mistress to wish they would replace the one cheated on, but in my case the desire was much more about not being left out and less about becoming a girlfriend.

Combined to that was the fact that Z is a pretty unstable character that would vary between being distant and cold one day, to being snugly and loving the next. All of this served (and in some way, continue to serve) to throw me up and down an emotional roller coaster that still haunts me. It seemed like I couldn’t just be happy with what I had, couldn’t just appreciate and accept the advantages of being there in Z’s arms at least some of the times… I was just a complete wreck when she wasn’t around.

I talk about this in a past tense, but in reality, it’s still going on. Thankfully, the situation has gotten better – Z left her girlfriend a little while ago, and not only because I was there. The girlfriend never learned that I existed, and she never knew that I wasn’t the only one… That’s right, there were other people involved and I was the only one to know about it – which only contributed to throw me deeper into emotional turmoil because not only was I not number one, I also had to contend with other people whom I was jealous about!

But these negative events, the cheating and the other people, those are all in the past. I’m #1 now, I’m on top… but the effects still linger on. It’s hard to put trust into someone like Z, hard to believe them when they tell you that it’s alright, that you’re the only one, that even though they’re not ready to consider you a girlfriend yet, to stop worrying, to just chill out, if only you could be patient and appreciate what you have at the moment…

Ugh! Can you imagine being in this wild tornado of emotions, not only completely new but also compounded by the fact that these emotions were so much stronger because of hormonal changes? My point with this blog wasn’t to share the story of the trans mistress of the trans cheating girl… Well, in a way it was, but really, I wanted to open a window into the chaos of emotions that any woman has to deal with, and that trans woman have to learn to deal with. Because it’s all new for me, it’s all something I’ve never really had to deal with before.

And it’s really, really hard, I’ll tell you that.

I’m interested to hear what you have to say about this, reader. How do you deal with your emotions every day? Is your experience different? More, less intense? I’d like to know!