Why I kept my old social media accounts and other services

So one thing that I debated for a little while before coming out with my transsexuality, was to ask myself whether I wanted to keep my existing social media accounts (Facebook, Twitter, etc) and my other services (email, for example), or if I was going to start everything from scratch, with no trace of the man I was before.

The main reason for starting over, I guess, is that if I met new people I may not want them to know about my transition (even though it can be obvious if you look at what I post on my facebook wall), and I may not have wanted the constant reminder of who I’m trying hard not to be.

But then, I realized that for me, my past is important. I don’t want to lie about it to anyone, I’m an open book about my situation (if I weren’t, you wouldn’t be reading this!), and being “vague” about my past is not something I can really do well. I’m very bad at lying.

There’s also the fact that I’m not ashamed of my past. I am not ashamed of the man that I was, of the daughter I have, the wife I’m now divorcing, of all the things I’ve done and accomplished. I have no reason to be – I was who I was, and that’s that. In order to know where you’re going, you have to know where you come from, right? Right.

And now, anyone who looks me up on facebook, twitter, youtube, linkedin, or even dating sites (like okcupid) can see, not only who I am now, but the kind of past they’re walking into. Should they choose not to accept that, I honestly couldn’t care less and they can safely walk away without a second thought from me.

What about you? If you’re transgender, did you keep your old profile or start completely anew with no trace of your past self?

Hormones and Roommates

So I’ve officially been on hormones for three weeks now. And I must admit, the changes that I’ve experienced were definitely different than what I expected. When you hear about things like a reduction or loss of libido, it’s difficult to imagine exactly what that feels like. Or doesn’t feel like, in my experience.

Before I started hormones, I kept having the “normal” sexual impulses towards women that I saw or met, I kept having to release the pressure of those impulses – almost every night in fact. I have to admit, I hated myself for it – hated the primal instinct of the male beast within me, that forced me to lust after anything that moved, that pushed me towards an act that I physically enjoyed, but was mentally repulsed by, at such a constant and high frequency.

Since the beginning though, that’s all pretty much stopped. It wasn’t automatic, it wasn’t a choice I made. The best way I can describe it is that one night I simply… forgot to masturbate. And then the next day, I did too. It just didn’t cross my mind. When I realized this, I did it simply because I wanted to know if I could – it was a curiosity more than a need. And now, conversations that would set me off, talking about sex, or the results of surgery, or stupid things like breast growth, simply do not affect me. They’re just another conversation, just another subject that’s of interest to me. Speaking of breast growth, hormones are also starting to make me sore and itchy so I guess that’s a good sign… moving on!

It also makes my interactions with everyone around me simpler and easier. It lets me concentrate on being more friendly and social, feeling less alone (I’ve always hated being single). It’s really refreshing, and I appreciate the freedom it gives me.

I’m pretty thankful for all that, because I’m going to be moving in with a female roommate which I objectively find attractive, and I know that the old me, the male me, would have found difficult to be close to her and not “fall in lust” with her at the first occasion.

So yeah, finally leaving the house that I shared with my ex wife is going to be both exciting and scary. Thankfully the place we found is better than I though I could end up with – a ground level, 3 bedroom apartment with a nice yard, heated solarium, included parking space, gas heating, and really close to public transportation (the subway system, especially). When my daughter, and my roommate’s two daughters visit together, we’re going to be having lots of fun together, gardening and going out in the many attractions available in both Laval and Montreal.

It’s going to be Legen.. wait for it… Dairy. Legendary.

Being Lucky vs Being Invisible

One thing that I quickly realized when I started hanging out in transgender forums, chatrooms, and more recently in real life (support groups and the Trans Pride last saturday) is that the “visible spectrum” of trans women that you see are generally the less lucky ones. By this I mean the ones that, physically, are more obvious, or the ones that have had an unlucky streak and end up losing their jobs, being disowned by their family and left by their friends.

Support groups are just that – for support. But I found out early on that I didn’t need help – that my breakup with my ex-wife and the small reduction in the number of friends I have (even the family members that don’t speak to me anymore), all of that was small compared to what was going right. I still have my career, I still have my best friends, I’m on speaking terms with my ex-wife and my family mostly supports me in all that I do.

What I realize, then, is that I could simply be stealth and invisible. If I wanted to, as soon as my reassignment surgery was done, my name and gender marker changed in my documents… I could just stop being “trans” and simply be a woman, period.

I’m not sure if I want to, though. I think the fact that I was a man for 31 years of my life is important, it’s part of my history, and if I am to be “with” anyone, for any reason, I want them to know about it. Not because I want the pity or the support or whatever, but for the same reason someone would tell me “I grew up on a farm” or “I was always a city boy” or “I was a jock at school and I regret it”. It’s me, it’s part of who I am, and it’s just a matter of fact: “Yeah I used to be a man but I’m all fixed now”.

Perhaps, however, there is a space for interaction with other transgender individuals. Even though my first incursion in a support group felt horrible (there was someone from a welfare support organisation talking about welfare and rules and such, and I was sitting there thinking “I make more in a week than those people have to live on for the whole month”), I know that I’m in a position to help – but I can’t do it alone. I’ll be slowly talking to other “lucky” members of the LGBT community around me who have had it good, and see if maybe there’s something we can do as a group. Still looking for a name and a slogan, but I guess that will come.

If you would like to join me either as an LGBT member or an ally, please send me an email at luckyevelyne@gmail.com and we’ll chat.

I am now E-Powered and free of the T-Virus.

Since May 1st 2013, I have started taking the pills that will change my life forever. Because, while changing my wardrobe, shooting lasers on my face to remove the hair, plucking at my eyebrows and smothering makeup on my face may have been noticeable changes, they are not permanent. Well, laser is but I’ve never been a huge fan of shaving anyway so that wouldn’t be an issue.

However, taking AndroCur (a testosterone blocker) and Estrace (estrogen hormones) causes effects that, variably, are permanent: sterility, loss of muscle mass, shrinkage of the testes and penis and development of breast and mammary tissues. It also causes semi-reversible effects such as movement of fat tissue (thankfully, to the hips and buts, but also in the face), reduced libido, reduction in body hair (but not, like “hair” hair).

I say variably because the effects can vary broadly depending on exact dosage, on genetic factors, diet, etc. It’s different in every person, but of course it’s generally similar. For instance, I’ve heard described that the libido goes away for about 4-6 months, and then returns “changed” in some way. I’m guessing it’s impossible to describe those changes to someone who haven’t experienced them.

But what about me? Well after 5 days, the only thing I can say for sure is that my energy has gone down and I’ve been feeling very “chill out” these last few days. I also do have reduced libido, but not only does this not matter because I don’t have anyone in my life right now (that other date I had never got anywhere), it’s a desired effect. You see I’ve actually hated myself for the way I look at other women and lust for them – the animal feeling was becoming very alien to me, and I have been disgusted at myself for being so needy. Since I started blocking the T-virus (Thanks to my friend Jess for that joke that references Resident Evil!), that has gone down noticeably and will hopefully continue to reduce as time goes by.

Of course, the other “wanted” effects like breast development and emotional changes have yet to kick in, that’s the estrogen that needs to take its work and it takes a bit more time – “give it a few weeks,” people tell me, “and you’ll start tingling and itching and being sore.”

I shall report back as I start really feeling the effects, and perhaps if you’re good at this sort of thing, you can tell me if my writing style changes in the future!

Oh by the way, while you’re here… If you want to know what kind of other reactions I get from random people on the internet, you can check this out: Imgur – My Transition Story

References: wikipedia