I’ve always been pretty bad at dating. I mean, when you grow up not believing in yourself, and not fulfilling yourself completely, you lack the most basic confidence that’s necessary to approach people, and this was pretty bad with me. I did date of course, had a couple of girlfriends here and there, and finally lost my virginity at 17. But most of these girlfriends were either setup through someone else (like Michelle, the one I had at 17), or more recently through internet dating sites. Walking up to a nice girl at a bar though? Hell no. When that thought crosses my mind I get a massive butterfly attack in my stomach and I would never dare to do it. Still, I did find girls, I did end up getting married and having a child. So I was never a completely lost cause.
The transition however, seemed to have changed things – for the best or the worst, I had no idea at first. I quickly realized that my current in-between situation made for a very limited number of potential dates – from “girls who are ok with a geeky gamer that’s a little shy but can still love fully” to “bi girls that are ok with a shy geeky gamer, that don’t abide by traditional models of gender binaries or who don’t really care what you are as long as you’re a good person, and who don’t mind kids”… Pretty tall order if you ask me.
Still, I tried. I have a profile on OkCupid in which I clearly state that I’m a pre-op transwoman, that I’m a geek, a gamer, and all that jazz. And I did try to contact a few girls who shared some traits with me – watched the same shows, listened to similar music, has similar interests and whom, from questions answered, were probably ok with my situation. But somehow a pattern developed – if I got an answer at first, it seemed positive and then after 2 or 3 messages, nothing. No more answers, they would just never reply. I even did try to message a few of them after a couple of days but never got the time of day. I honestly had no idea what was happening there, what I was saying, doing…
And then, I realized that the number of matches that I hadn’t contact grew thinner and thinner as I was “hiding” the ones that wouldn’t talk to me and the ones that didn’t fit what I was looking for, and the highest potential matches were getting lower and lower. I was beginning to lose hope. Unfortunately OkCupid is the only site I know that understands there’s more to sexual orientation than “straight” and “gay” – indeed the only one I’ve seen that’s free and offers at least the choice of “bi”, which is pretty important in my situation. So going somewhere else was kind of out of the question.
So what’s my point with this post? Well I wanted to understand just how hard I was viewing the whole dating process and how whatever straight people (geeks or otherwise) have issues with when dating – remember there’s worse than what you’re going through.
And then, I want to tell you that it does get better if you’re patient and you persevere. Proof in point, I did finally start talking to a beautiful young woman who genuinely seemed interested in me. And tonight, we had our first date (after weeks of chatting and one video chat last week), and it went great.
So don’t give up, be strong, and good things will come to you 🙂